Of Bolly Trees...

You knew that this post had to come. Sooner or later... there had to be a rant about this. So here it goes.

Bollywood.

Firstly, apologies to all those offended by that term. I had to do it.

Moving on.

The very mention of the word gives me shivers. Not the good kind... and not for the most common reasons. I'm fine with the movies they make. I don't watch them... but I'm sure they're good. And most of my country likes them, so there must be something worth appreciating, right? Yeah.

But my issue with 'Bollywood' is completely different. Its got to do with the name.
"Bollywood? But its just like Hollywood, except more desi, yaar"

Shut up. Those are the three most irritating words I've ever heard, all in one sentence. My nightmare sentence.
Anyway.

And I've said the name bothers me. I hear you asking "Why should the name bother you? Its like the guy said... just more desi, yaar"

No, I was just joking. ofcourse the name doesn't bother me. Why should the name bother me? It's only the most uncreative name I've ever come across. What could I possibly have against it?

Let me elaborate. To start of with, I shall list its good points. To start off with, they've decided to rebrand Hollywood, and give themselves a more 'western' appeal, instead of creating their own identities. That's always a good thing.

And then they've gone and named themselves 'Bollywood'. The name is so amazing! Infact, its so amazing, that it warrants two exclamation marks !!

I'm sure Hollywood has a reason for its name. There's a forest, just below the Hollywood sign, and that forest, or 'wood' is largely made up of Holly trees. so obviously we've got to have a wood of Bolly trees, right?

And the disease doesn't stop there. We've got Tolly trees, Kolly trees, and even Molly trees. Yes. Molly trees.

As far as I know, this is all we've got. (Heaven help us if there are more).

I think this epitomises how un-creative and boring this country has become.

Mollywood.

Hag

For lack of an inspirational way to start off this post... I shall start it off thus.

The power of music is great. Yes, I know I've harped about music before... probably getting a little boring. But its such a huge part of my life, that I cannot but think about it, and write about it.


Anyway... as I was saying. The power of music is a great thing. I mean this not literally, as in music could smash you like the little bug you are... but more metaphorically.

I was listening to some songs I hadn't heard in ages, and there are all these strange, dusty old memories hidden in my head, which sort of walked to the front, sprinkling dirt all over my mind. Strange sensation, that. From this, I realised that the best part of my life so far, that most of my experiences have their very own personal soundtracks.

As an example... a friend of mine made me listen to '21st century sha la la girl' by Def Leppard during my previous board exams. The song was so good, that I listened to little else during the exams... and when I listened to the song again, my mind unwillingly went to my friend's house, or of my study table, or of the exam hall. To further clarify, if this helps at all, these memories aren't distinct. They've only got a certain distinct smell, and feel to them. They aren't individual. Its almost as if they've joined forces to call themselves an 'experience'.

Quite similarly, 'What it is' by Mark Knopfler... it brings to me the 'smells' of Facebook, of Jetman, and of the recent twelfth board exams, more precisely, of Chemistry. For I was hooked to this song when I joined Facebook. Then I got hooked to Facebook, and along with Facebook came Jetman. Now I can proudly say that I'm off all three. (What? Yes, I CAN get off Facebook. I just don't want to. Hmph)

There are other memories, other songs... some of them personal, some of them mindless, but to list them all here is sheer madness. So I'm not going to try.

Well, I suppose this is the closest I've gotten to personal drivel. For what clearly isn't personal drivel, you can check the post called 'Not Personal Drivel'. That's a good example of what isn't personal drivel.

Anyway.

Signing off.

Me.

Fascist.

Crying.

Stupidest thing I've ever seen. And I'm not even half joking here. Crying makes no sense. On any scale.

Take a scenario, where someone would be made to cry. A someone piches a someone else, or smashes the brains out of the someone else. Wherever your inclinations lie.

The someone else, being in pain, starts to cry, right? And this is perfectly normal, right? Wrong. For humans... who don't seem to have to fight for survival, fending off other predators, this is normal. But if you shove the someone else in the jungle, and the someone else gets mobbed by a gang of Al Capone Jackals. Would crying help?

Oh, of course it would! The jackals would feel sorry for him, wouldn't they? Sure they would. They would pat him on the head, give him a pillow, and a stretcher, and ask him to take a nice nap all the way home.

Crying makes no sense. (Yes, I'm repeating myself. Think of it as a refrain, you know, like in poems.)

Do you really see lions crying, because 'the-older-buwwy-lion-stowe-my-deer' ? (Speak that in baby tone, by the way. I have no idea how to type that out well) If lion sees other lion eating said lion's food, lion will chase the other lion, and other lion will chase lion back. And so on, till one of them is dead tired, or dead. Whichever way.

But crying? Was it some sort of defensive mechanism or something? Cry till it all gets better?

This sort of proves why the humans are the dumbest on the evolutionary scale. Other creatures bloat up, and look scary. Some change colour, and look scary. We cry.

Wow.

Scary.

Sarcastic Caustic Stick Tick Dog Flea

Jump distance runner athletics olympics Beijing junta Mayanmar Earthquake Cyclone Nature Al Gore president USA country world universe planet sun galaxy star light wave physics glasses teeth board marker ink pen Waterman France.

That's me free associating.

Anyway.

I was watching this guy on Youtube... Jimmy0010. He's a real champion of sarcasm. He's got the art down to perfection. Well, I really don't have anything much to say in this post, I just thought I'd post, since it's been a... er.... ten days, or something. So I felt like writing, except I didn't have a clue what to write about. So I slacked off, and started to watch Youtube.

And then it stuck me... I could write about sarcasm. Why? Because I'm a numb-witted dimbskull. I couldn't think of anything else.


To me, sarcasm is an essential part of my life. As is cynicism. I cannot be me without either of them. But sarcasm in itself, is a thing of beauty. Its like delivering punch lines of jokes with a straight face, and making other people laugh. Its a skill, almost.


I've heard people say sarcasm, and pun-nery are the lowest forms of humour. I think not. I think sarcasm, and punnery are sublime examples of humour. It sure beats a guy running into a brick wall, or sliding into a brick wall, or sliding on a banana peel or whatever. Although that is funny... I think that's more 'caveman' humour. Beating someone with a club is funny.

Heck, it IS funny. Its really funny. But this is a different funny. This is a more intellectual humour. Its got more to do with the brain, rather than the... brawn? Or something. If brawn is a word. I've forgotten.

Many people wouldn't find 'I like rotten tomatoes. They taste like rotted cheese' funnny.

And neither do I. That is the most boring sentence, I have ever seen. Or read. Or typed.

But this on the other hand, is funny.

"Hello, nefarious goat".

That is freaking funny. Or 'Salut chevre selerat' if you don't understand english, and understand the other language. Whatever it is.

But that humour isn't sarcasm. That's absurd. Why would anyone greet a goat?
'Good day, goat. How are you today?'
'Baaaa.'
'That's nice to hear'
'Baaaa.'
'Want to hear about my day?'
'No.'

And on goes the conversation. Sorry... I'm really free associating at the moment. I don't know why. If this makes your head ache... go have some paracetamol. No... I don't know why I said that.

But leave it to beaver, right?

So where was I? Ah yes. Jimmy0010. Master at sarcasm, and only 18. Or 19. Or something like that. He's a wit. And a bit of a git.

Hey! I'm a poet. Or a rhymer. Or something.

Was there a point to this point? No, post?

Ah yes. I remember now.

"Hello, nefarious goat"
'Baaa. *grunt* baaa"
"Why are you grunting? And why are you rearing your horn things in the direction of my tum-tum?"
"Baa. *snort*"

*whap*

"Ow."

*thud*

Scott Adams is funny too. I have just been landed with the entire Calvin And Hobbes collection, and the entire Dilbert collection (to date). I have a lot of reading to do.

Read the 'Lord Of The Flies' (if its a real book. I dunno. It features in 'Hearts in Atlantis') also read 'Hearts in Atlantis' by Stephen King. Not in the least scary. But its really interesting. Its like a documentary or about the 60's. Its fantastic really.

'Astonishingly brilliant' according to uh, New York Review, or Washington Post or one of those papers, which pay to get on the covers of books. But it really is good.

The Difference Between Sauce And Ketchup

And so we come to it.

The most controversial thing to hit mankind, since sliced bread. (Alright, so that wasn't controversial. Sue me. Or something)

SAUCE!

And.

KETCHUP!


They're both red. I have chips, and sauce. And chips, and ketchup. And bread and cheese and sauce. And bread and cheese and ketchup. And other things with sauce. And other things with Ketchup.

But... you have Tomato ketchup, right? But no tomato sauce. Nothing... not one sauce, along the tomato lines. Not that I'm complaining. I hate tomatoes. But its just one of those things, the conundrums of the universe. Some things shall never have an answer. This isn't such a thing.

There's vegetable sauce, as far as I can tell... and Tomato and chilli sauce. But no pure tomato sauce. Only the adulterated junk.

And some people say 'But ketchup is thicker!' Well... porridge is thicker than rice. In a manner of speaking. But they're both grains. Stupid people.

So, back to the original question.

Or statement, or whatever I started out with.

What's the deal with ketchup? Or sauce for that matter? Couldn't we just have liquid tomatoes? Then I'd be in bliss, happily hating them, as I do.

But noooo.

They HAVE to make it taste good. So now I'm a hypocrite. I like tomato ketchup... but I hate tomatoes. I hate the ketchup/sauce companies.

Oh.

What's the difference between the two? The spelling? No. (I mean... yeah, they are different and all, but that's not what I was looking for, If you thought of that answer... you're an idiot)
So if it isn't the ingredients, and the consistency is irrelevant... then what is the difference between sauce and ketchup?

I guess I shall die, never knowing the true meaning behind ketchup... and the myth that is sauce.

The Evolution Of Music

After my previous posts, I've sort of been thinking on how music evolved, and what happened, and stuff, and my conclusion is, that music is so awesome, the only way it could have happened is by chance. Like the creation of the Earth, and human beings. Chance. That's it.

Let me elaborate.

Music, in the written forms, consists of 8 basic notes, which are represented on a stave, or a musical equivalent of a paragraph. Each 'paragraph' is divided into bars, or the musical equivalent of sentences. Now like any sentence, these sentences have rules. These rules are essentially musical grammar. Without knowledge of this grammar, you will be 'talking' utter rubbish.

Anyway.... onwards with the story of the development of music, the Kitchi way.

The way I would have figured out, and created music, is like so. Say I listen to this guy speak, and he starts talking loudly, and then cuts it down to a whisper, then beats is up to a roar, and does this at intervals, not necessarily regular. And lets say this guy is a public speaker, or some notory, who I have to listen to over a period of time.

When people listen to other people speak, they tend to get bored, even if its only for a couple of minutes (the boredom, not the speech. That would be weird. (If people got bored in a two minute speech. Not the boredom bit) (Hey! Brackets inside brackets! That's cool.) )

So... people tend to get bored. And I don't like this guy, and I don't want to listen to him. But I cannot but hear him. So I bring along a book, and a pencil, or a pen, or something, so I can doodle as he speaks. His voice goes up, his voice geos down.

So I think 'Hey! His voice goes up, and his voice goes down, and it doesn't happen regularly. That might look good on paper!' and I draw. A line which goes up, and a line which comes down, so the result turns out to look like a four year old's representation of a mountain. And I keep doing this.

So this happens, and I do this for all the classes I attend, or all the whatever I attend. But I keep doing this. And one day, I get bored, and draw lines through my mountains. Then I take a second look at my mountains. They're now pretty evenly spaced. With five lines.

So I go home, and separate each line, with a bit of mountain on each line, representing the first musical notes, although I don't quite know it as yet.

Then after even more time, I figure, why not give these strokes an individual sound, so I can recreate what the other guy is saying, except he would sound funny! So I get my eight 'strokes' and give them each a pitch, arbitarily.

Then I forget all about it, for people to discover it, years after I die, and create music with.

Although there is probably another explanation... this one ends up giving all the creadit to me. So I like this one.

Hmph.